Kärnïvàl.

[ In a sky full of stars - There is HOPE ]

Monday, May 18, 2015 @ 4:13 AM

Perception

We see so many things differently.

Have i ever been not reliant on others?

Have i ever stood alone?

Have i ever had my own opinions?

I don't know.

I feel so empty actually.

I my life, i've been trying so hard to live to please others

I have never tried to be selfish

But yet i always come off as selfish.

I come off to people as attention seeking and childish

immature, foolish and naive

But is there anything i can do about?

I always feel like there's nothing i can do.

But i'm sure now that there's something i can do

For the first time in my life, someone was brave enough to come up to me

and tell me

"Hey, you're fucked up. Stop it or you'll really screw it over to no end"

Someone finally told me

"You don't realise it, but your actions are giving a bad impression even though your intentions are good"

Someone finally told me how they learned to love themselves

I have a direction, some guide and a person who'd support me.

I think i'm doing pretty well

And i'll be alright.

Knowing me, i'll probably be unhappy and stuff at first

crying being all negative on my own

Giving off a bad impression

I suppose i should do this one thing.

To not care if someone feels i'm not worth it

to not care if i am alone in this world

I am me,

I will learn to love myself

I have to learn to have self-worth

self-esteem

22 years of my life, I should start taking my first steps

I stopped walking, stuck in a rut when i was in primary 5 - 11 years old

I spent half my life in misery

I have a whole life in front of me

Thanks - i really appreciate you coming to me and telling me all that even though you didn't have to

i appreciate you sitting down with me to talk even though you're not obliged to

Thanks for telling me, instead of simply walking away

Even if it was to protect the one you love

you went way out of your way to help me

And

To my loving BF,

Thanks for loving me. Thanks for having faith even when i don't have faith in myself

thanks for loving me - even as i am unable to love myself

thanks to taking all that shit i throw at you

thanks for letting me be selfish in this relationship and all the problems is me

Its really good to know that people still care

I am trying to motivate myself and be better.

Slowly, i'll get better.

Yes, like you said you'll reap the rewards if i improve

I agree

I am happy i'm in a clearer state

I will continue to rely on you for now

But i'll slowly stand up

so please bare with me

Bare with my selfish-ness

self-centered-ness

and tempers

the negativity

the angst

and all that drama

I promise both you and myself

I will make it better.

I owe it to myself.

At this point in time,

I just got over being an idiot, and i'm gonna steady myself on the fence and leap into the happy area.

A big fat leap

Thanks to all those who believe in me

who bothered

who has faith

Eliana