Kärnïvàl.

[ Fear ]

Thursday, August 21, 2014 @ 5:41 AM

[ FEAR ]

I remember fearing this moment.

The moment we would disconnect and go separate ways.

But it's been a few days only.

I cried twice, for a long and hard time, each time i cried.

But yet, now, i'm disconnected from you.

I feel no sadness in it anymore

Am i heartless?

I feel like i'm becoming what i don't want to be.

But yet there's no way i'm going back;

I've decided.

Four Years

was what i gave you.

I chose to give it to you.

I would not blame you;

nor would i say i regret those 4 years plus i spent with you.

You did make me happy in many moments.

I do not deny it.

But I've moved on, emotionally.

I don't know if it's exactly true, not until i see you face to face again.

Would i break down?

I don't know.

If i do, then i believe what i prayed for might be right.

But right now, i'm going off.

I'm sorry for leaving you behind,

I know, people tell me.

"You're too nice, you'll be stepped on."

I know.

Yet, i don't want to be bad or mean.

I don't mind being stepped on, made use of.

Within my means, i will try my best to ensure people around me, are happy.

I feel guilt for leaving you at this time.

But i think, maybe it's really time for me to be selfish,

because i see now, you don't want me.

Its over, and i accept it.

I know what people will say.

I've been hearing it for so long.

So many flaws of mine, i see it now, clearer than ever.

I will fix them, i cannot make everyone happy.

But i will make those i hold dear, happy.

Someone asked me before, "When are you happiest?"

This is my reply, "When i am the reason that someone is happy."

That's my joy. To see others happy.

Whether a not they acknowledge it is my doing, it doesn't matter.

Because if i see someone happy, i'm satisfied.

I know i did it

That's all i need.

I'm going to move on,

be selfish

Maybe i won't ever come back.

I know you won't wait.

I don't expect you to anymore.

All my disappointments are gone.

I am no longer crying because you didn't love me

I'm not longer crying because you always had your eyes on someone else

I'm no longer crying because you hurt me

I no longer will seek you, or lean on you.

I will move on.

Face my fears, move on.

I decided to push through whatever obstacles there are in my life.

I will dash full-force forward, fall down, get hurt, get up, heal and continue to run.

I don't want to hesitate anymore

Only me, only I can make myself happy.

So, even though my goal didn't change, I now will step forward to grasp my goal.

So to you, whom i have gave 4 years 2 months of my time;

Don't waste it. Learn and move on.

Stop dwelling in your own world

As i said, i can tell you so much, but end of the day, the actions come from you alone.

Don't go out and hurt someone else.

Make sure you are over it all before you seek someone else out.

This hurt i felt for at least 3 years and a half,

don't put it on others

I don't regret loving you.

I did everything i did, because i wanted to.

Smile. Feel and learn to Love.

Don't give up, ya?

Feeling the pain and getting hurt is part of you, it's only human to feel so.

Don't fear it, don't be adamant about it.

Crush those walls you built up with your own hands.

As i said, i did what i could to help you, make cracks in those walls.

Even if someone crushed it for you, its still you who have to choose to climb out of it and not crawl back in.

Thanks for the 4 years you have given me, too.

Hui Yee