God, please. i really don't wanna wake up to this nightmare anymore. let me go. set me free. let me sleep and never wake up. I feel I'm in so much pain. i can't stand it. i keep crying. i can't stop. i'm being emo. I'm being stupid. I'm thinking so negatively. i can't stop.

i don't see a hand or a string or anything to let me cling on to save my life. kill me. I've caused myself and the people around enough sadness. I'd rather die. let them mourn for a few days and forget. Then the suffering would end.

My friends would tell me go to the church. but i can't. not that i don't want to. is that i can't. I feel like i've been abondened. My friends tell me:

"you're not alone"
"one suffering is better than two."
"time heals wounds"
"you're not"
"huiyee, stop it"
"sorry"
"you're not stupid"
"don't say such things"
"you'll find your own answer"
"don't think too complicated"
"you've got to stop thinking that way"
"you decide on your own life"
"instead of hanging there, why not pull yourself out?"
"it depends on you"
"i'm in no position to say anything"
"maybe its' really time to let go"
"stop hurting yourself"

I've heard these over and over again. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm shutting myself away already. Just when i thought i found the person that could save me, that person leaves. Just when i thought "hey, look! i'm all better again" something would definately cause me to break down. something would make me cry.

I've been crying for days. As far as i've recalled, i've cried myself to sleep 4 times. I keep holding back tears cause it's stupid to cry. Life means i have to accept and move on. But i can't.

I'm desperate. I want to find that missing piece from me. The key that will unlock my prison. The light that would pierce through darkness and save me. No one knows the answer to my question:

"Why can't i solve this simple problem?"

and simply i ask myself:

"Why can't i accept change?"

I'm getting nagged at, scolded, being told off for things i feel i want to do. I'm blogging now, all my feelings i pour them out. Those that hurt me said "i read your blog, i'm hurt by what you post. i'm so hurt i can't continue reading" let me tell you. i hate them but i have to love them.

they don't respect my privacy.

i don't think i'd give them my respect either.

~Elixian
(i'm forced to sleep now. i can't even reflect properly. i can't even think without being disturbed. i can't even be me.)


please. i really beg of you. don't let my wake up. just let me go and let me die. please...save me...): i don't wanna cry anymore....