Kärnïvàl.

[ It's about time ]

Monday, January 16, 2012 @ 8:41 PM

I can stop crying now.

I should be happy.

because he isn't going to make me sad

or angry

or make me feel anything, anymore.

I should be happy,

I should smile.

I should smile and tell him "Its ok"

Because i said so in the beginning.

That if he found someone he loved

I'll let go,

and he can be free.

I should smile and tell him,

I'm ok.

I'll be ok.

And prove that i'm ok.

Then he would let go happily too.

Then the next day,

It would be as if nothing happened.

As if we went back a year and 7 months to when it began.

I have to be like when we first met.

So that i'll be able to just let go.

He's setting me free.

So i should be happy.

But i wonder.

Why i am sad too.

Its ironic.

The benefits i gain from being free,

the emotions i never have to go through would be gone.

Why, with so many good things...

Yet, I cried.

Yet i tried to beg for it to stay.

Those thoughts of mine,

They keep saying:

"You can't let go"

It kept telling me

"I'm scared"

"I'm nervous"

"I'm not good enough to be a competitor against her"

"She's much better"

"Since he likes her, so much more than he "loved" me, he should go be with her"

I knew,

I knew he'd pick her over me.

Yet i kept hoping,

It will change.

That this is temporary.

Just like last time when we fought,

when we argued and screamed at each other,

when i screamed at him.

I'm so pathetic, huh?

I mean, look at me,

i can't do anything much to even convince him to stay by my side.

I don't even have the courage to tell him,

"Please don't go"

Because i knew he'd rather be with her.

Why am i making him suffer,

by not letting go,

by not smiling,

by not being stronger?

I'm so selfish...and yet...

"I'm not ready to change"

One month?

Well, i knew, from the very moment he told me,

he would stay anymore.

I still meant something to him?

Hahas, its impossible.

Because you can't love 2 people at once.

You can only love one person.

When you love someone,

they say

"you'd do anything for him"

"you'd do anything to make him smile"

"to let him be happy"

Because when you see him being happy,

You'd be happy.

I wish,

I could be like that.

I wish i could let him smile.

I wonder if i love him.

I figured that if i was jealous that time,

I did.

And i believe i do.

Even now,

when i'm suppose to let go.

I can't.

I'm weak.

I can't let go.

Its about time, for me to be stronger.

To learn to be stronger.

I've shown him a side i shouldn't ever have shown him.

I've made him guilty.

I've made him sad.

Really, I'm sorry that i've made you feel like that.

I have to be stronger,

I shall promise i have to be stronger.

I was never the right girl for you,

"Its about time, i have to start to let go of you"

I'll smile.

I'll tell you "its ok"

I'll show you "I'm ok"

Elixian

I'm just not worthy enough.