Courage

Today, I re-watched Brave Story. It's one of the best stories i've seen.

"If you want to do something, then from now on;
Sketch out your pitiful dream, with more strength than anyone else"

This was part of the lyrics to the ending song sang by Aqua Timez.

It's an english translation. It might not be accurate but it does sound very strong.

It's a wonderful story! So you people out there should so go watch it.

It's inspiring i suppose?

I've learned much form there.

We all have our differences and ours ups and downs in our lives.

However we must accept what comes and what goes.

Don't be upset over everything,

don't keep yourself in the past.

Instead, accept it.

It's a difficult journey and everything may seem to be hopeless.

But if you don't pull through to the very end,

although the end to you may be blurry.

You'll never see the monsters, 

the bad things,

disappear.

So, even if it seems never-ending.

Even if it's painful.

Try your best to pull through.

For at the end,

a new road will open to you.

You'll walk down it happily.

You've accepted it,

that's when you reach the end.

You won't look back, for you have confidence.

So, I guess its time to try our best at life's difficult journey ahead~

Don't stop believing.

Elixian

The Brightest Heart

Dear Lord,

I'm so happy today.

Just as you've made my happy yesterday.
I've realized even more today.

Lord,

I am blessed to have grown in you.

My Faith is so much stronger.

It's amazing.

This event that i thought, 

was going to be filled with sadness and frustrations,

became an event that gave me so much strength.

I have 2 people to thank for this.

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To Him Who is Lost

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I have you to thank.

If not for meeting you,

I would not have even come to believe in God.

I would never have known the power of God.

And because of this trail,

I have become someone who has grown so much in the Lord.

My faith, ever so much stronger.

I feel joy.

I feel confidence and 

i feel strength.

To do whatever i need to do. 

To pray for you.

Today, when we prayed together. 

For the first time, 

I thought, I have nothing much to say.

I asked you to pray together today because i felt it was right.

I felt we needed it.

I know I ever prayed that for whatever trails, whatever that may come our way as 2 people.

God, will guide us.

As i prayed more and more today with you. 

I felt that, it was as if you've lost sight of God.

You've covered yourself in a fog,

built a wall around yourself.

I know you're physically very tired. 

Your mind itself has been worn out. 

Your heart, even more confused and dejected.

But I know, for i prayed, God will heal you.

He will heal your tired self. 

He will reach for you even when you fall.

He'll destroy that wall.

He'll remove that fog.

He'll be there.

So, my dear, seek him.

Pray and reach out to him.

For once you have found him,

the answer shall be clear.

Your faith, ever so much stronger.

You'll feel so much more refreshed.

Like a new day has dawned.

Every trouble erased.

I've felt it.

I believe this is where God wants me to be.

This is in exchange for bring me to God.

For bringing me to God and letting me grow in him.

Now, let me pray for you.

Let me be your support while you seek God.

My dear, seek him with all your strength.

I amaze myself, even.

Here is my prayer, again, for you.

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Dear Lord, give him strength. give him courage and give him wisdom. Let him seek you Lord. Clear his tired and confused heart, so that he may focus on you Lord. To see you, to be able to see you clearly Lord, with his heart. To hear you, with his heart. He is your servant, Lord God. I know you won't give up on him, so I pray to you. I've prayed some time ago, saying that whatever that comes our way as a couple, You will guide us through. And that we may last long within this new year that is to come. Lord, I believe this is where you want me to be. I've climbed that hurdle. I've grown in you, Lord. But he is still trapped behind now. So, Lord, as he seeks You, may you seek him too. For everything he needs Lord, may You provide for him. Give him peace and heal him. Once he's found You, Lord. Then may You give him the answer he's looking for. I believe, Lord. I have faith. I have confidence in him. So, Lord, bless him as he has blessed me by giving me this precious gift. Thank you and in Jesus' most precious name, I pray. Amen.

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So, hey, my dear.

Be strong! God is with you. Seek him.

Remember to pray!! :)

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To Her Who is Disheartened

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Thank you. 

Although i may not know you so well,

I have to thank you.

For because of your past with him,

that this happen.

That this has caused me to feel so refreshed.

Its as if a new day has dawned and everything is over.

I've grown in the Lord, thanks to you. 

So don't blame yourself for what has happened.

Instead, see what you have done and be happy that you have brought someone closer to God.

Everything may be stressful. 

Things may seem blurry.

But soon, it will work out. 

Everything will be clear,

and you'll see.

I'm not the best person to talk to, really.

But I am willing to listen.

Tell me your side of the story.

I'm sorry that i have dug up some of the feelings you buried, 

some memories that you didn't want to remember.

But, don't be disheartened all these has happened. 

That's what i'm trying to tell you.

Now that I've figured it out,

everything is clear to me.

I feel the confidence.

I feel His presence,

I feel His power.

You know, no matter who he chooses at the end,

I'll gladly accept.

Every single word.

Every single emotion.

I will accept it, and i will not be hurt.

For i have God who has healed me.

God who has given me strength.

Here is my prayer to you :)

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Dear God, Lord, although i may not know her very well. But, i can sense she isn't the same her as before. The cheerful girl. Somehow, this reawakening of his feelings has affected her. So Lord, i'm sure she's hurt, so heal her. Bless her such that her frustrations and worries will fade in Your presence. They are nothing compared to you Lord God. I have her to thank for allowing me to grow in You, Lord. So, may she gain as I have gained. Let it be that she will no longer feel disheartened or confused. Let it be that she will be herself again, that she would be at peace and feel refreshed. Lord, this feeling is so magical, I pray to share it with her. So Lord, please, may You allow me to share it with her. Lord, for her studies and her life. May you forever be with her and give her strength and wisdom to pull through. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.

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Lastly, I actually wish to just say.

I have this confidence. 

That you'll come back to me. I don't know when, I don't know how, either. But God has given me this strength and courage to believe so. To trust in you, darling. So no matter what. I'll wait. Even if you take years to overcome. No matter what you choose. I will wait for you. Don't worry. Even if you don't pick me, I will be happy just as you've hoped for. For God is with me. He will always be with me. Because of that, I have the strength. I will accept and I will be contented. However, as a person, as someone who loves you, I'd like to say. I have every confidence in you, every trust. I believe in you! So don't give up, don't break down. I'll wait, until the day God tells me, I don't have to wait anymore. I am confident. So, trust me, for I've seen what God, can do. Ok?

Lord, Thank you for everything! For allowing me to feel so refreshed, so confident. I've never felt like this before. Thank you!

For everything that is to come,

Lord i believe!!

 In Jesus' most precious name, I pray! Amen!!

Elixian

forever yours

Darling

You don't love me.

You pitied me.

You didn't stay with me today,

because you love me.

You stayed with me because you pitied me.

Because you are afraid you'll hurt me.

But you already did.

By telling me, 

For these 1 year and 6 months.

You loved her and only her.

You told me to fix your heart.

You said that when we first started.

You told me i did.

My job was done.

It was done a long time ago.

I think, maybe,

this though that never crossed your mind.

"I want to give her a whole heart, an unbroken heart"

This is the feeling i get.

"I am her replacement, I'm here to heal your broken heart for her"

This is what i'm thinking.

You love her.

You love her more than you ever "loved" me.

I can tell.

I'm not that blind.

But, when my job was done a long time ago,

when you knew your heart was fixed.

While i wasn't too reliant on you.

You should have ended it.

I feel even more hurt now.

because you made me love you.

You made me become so attached to you.

Then within a day,

you shattered everything.

Then you tried to fix everything,

regretting shattering it.

I'm not the one for you.

You know it.

You're pitying me.

You're making me feel pathetic.

You're tired.

You know why?

Its because you're really tired of me.

You're tired of me crying,

You're tired of me telling myself to give up.

I don't know you anymore.

They way you talk to her,

The way you talk to me.

It's obvious, who you wanted more.

It's so obvious...

"Make me happy then"...?

You'll never be. 

Because you love her so so SO MUCH MORE!

Can't you see?

How much you love her?

How foolish you are towards her?

SHE TOLD YOU TO BREAK UP WITH ME!

WHY DIDNT YOU LISTEN?

Because you pitied me. 

Because you knew i can't let go?

Because of what i said you just changed your mind?

Yes, 

I admit, 

I'm very happy you stayed.

But i'm even even more disappointed that you stayed because you FREAKING PITIED ME.

I DON'T WANT YOUR PITY.

I'm feel so pathetic.

You know why i'm telling you that i don't want to tell you now?

Because you probably had a really really hard time to choose.

You hate hurting people, 

yet what you are doing is just that.

Thanks for trying to "love" me.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know how to be with you now that i know you love her so damn much.

so damn much it was able to break a relationship build for a year and a half within a day.

You don't love me.

You're deceiving yourself.

You never really love or loved me.

It's not a bit.

Its you never did.

You know that?

I'm crying. because i know now...

How much pain i am causing you.

Sorry, but i have to say it.

I'm sorry i'm hurting you. 

Would you not hurt yourself?

Would you please choose her because she's the one you really love?

I don't like to be pitied.

Because it makes me feel like i'm not strong enough.

It's a fact i know, that i'm not strong.

But i feel smaller when i'm being pitied than when my heart is being shattered.

I know, this might just end our relationship.

But, darling, please.

Don't pity me.

Don't feel guilty because of me.

Don't be sad because of me.

Don't feel like you've broken a heart.

Although they may be facts.

Like i said.

If you really love her so much, from what i can see,

you will, 

never,

ever,

ever in your life.

Think about me again.

You will not cry for or because of me.

You will feel guilt.

You will not feel pain.

There's never a time when you feel part here and part there.

Here, I'll spell it out for you:

1) You don't want to leave me

Reason: You feel guilty because you think you broke my heart and that you are pitying me by staying with me. Just to make me "Happy".

2) Part of you want to be with her

Reason: You love her. So much more than you ever EVER love or loved me.

I'm her replacement :)

I know.

So i knew,

you'd pick her.

you'll always pick her.

Elixian

your little replacement.

I can stop crying now.

I should be happy.

because he isn't going to make me sad

or angry

or make me feel anything, anymore.

I should be happy,

I should smile.

I should smile and tell him "Its ok"

Because i said so in the beginning.

That if he found someone he loved

I'll let go, 

and he can be free.

I should smile and tell him, 

I'm ok.

I'll be ok.

And prove that i'm ok.

Then he would let go happily too.

Then the next day, 

It would be as if nothing happened.

As if we went back a year and 7 months to when it began.

I have to be like when we first met.

So that i'll be able to just let go.

He's setting me free.

So i should be happy.

But i wonder.

Why i am sad too.

Its ironic.

The benefits i gain from being free,

the emotions i never have to go through would be gone.

Why, with so many good things...

Yet, I cried.

Yet i tried to beg for it to stay.

Those thoughts of mine,

They keep saying:

"You can't let go"

It kept telling me 

"I'm scared"

"I'm nervous"

"I'm not good enough to be a competitor against her"

"She's much better"

"Since he likes her, so much more than he "loved" me, he should go be with her"

I knew, 

I knew he'd pick her over me.

Yet i kept hoping,

It will change.

That this is temporary.

Just like last time when we fought,

when we argued and screamed at each other,

when i screamed at him.

I'm so pathetic, huh?

I mean, look at me,

i can't do anything much to even convince him to stay by my side.

I don't even have the courage to tell him,

"Please don't go"

Because i knew he'd rather be with her.

Why am i making him suffer, 

by not letting go,

by not smiling,

by not being stronger?

I'm so selfish...and yet...

"I'm not ready to change"

One month?

Well, i knew, from the very moment he told me, 

he would stay anymore.

I still meant something to him?

Hahas, its impossible.

Because you can't love 2 people at once.

You can only love one person.

When you love someone,

they say 

"you'd do anything for him"

"you'd do anything to make him smile"

"to let him be happy"

Because when you see him being happy,

You'd be happy.

I wish,

I could be like that.

I wish i could let him smile.

I wonder if i love him.

I figured that if i was jealous that time,

I did.

And i believe i do.

Even now,

when i'm suppose to let go.

I can't.

I'm weak.

I can't let go.

Its about time, for me to be stronger.

To learn to be stronger.

I've shown him a side i shouldn't ever have shown him.

I've made him guilty.

I've made him sad.

Really, I'm sorry that i've made you feel like that.

I have to be stronger,

I shall promise i have to be stronger.

I was never the right girl for you,

so 

"Its about time, i have to start to let go of you"

I'll smile.

I'll tell you "its ok"

I'll show you "I'm ok"

Elixian

I'm just not worthy enough.

Broken Butterfly; Elixian

False Smile

You know, I wanted to say..

"Thank you"

because you've always been there.

because you never mind my bad habits.

because you will always help me.

because you'll give up things for me.

because you said you loved me.

But i wish,

i wish you would mean it.

until the very end.

I wish you'd mean it.

I'm sorry i felt like that.

Sorry that i am selfish

Sorry that i hurt you

Sorry that i screamed at you

Sorry that i always pick your flaws

Sorry that i made you sad

Sorry that i was unreasonable

Sorry i snapped at you

After all the things i've done,

you still stayed with me.

For so long.

It would mean something.

I'm comforting myself,

with the thoughts of

"i'm over thinking"

with the attitude that said

"It's not like this"

I'm trying to be calm.

I'm trying to smile every time i think about it.

I comfort myself that

"we're still together now"

I know i'm selfish to post only my views.

To say only what i think,

and not what we said.

I'm jealous of her.

I think, you really like her.

More than you "love" me.

You're a determined person.

You can do things you set out to do.

And i believe if you wanted it,

she'd come back.

Remember how i asked God if i was the right girl for you?

Apparently, i don't think i am now.

I'm like the passing winds.

Here to be here,

then gone when i need to be.

I'm sorry.

I know i said i'll let go if you wanted me to.

But the truth is:

"I can't"

I'm nervous,

I'm scared.

But i have no right to be anymore.

But, once you've made your decision.
Go for it.

Don't regret.

I'll try my best.

Because, they say:

"when you truly love someone, you'll let them go"

Elixian

someone whom you knew

Please, send Your Angels, hold out Your hand to her. She's precious to me.

Your little servant,

Elixian

Recently I've got an obsession with taking photos o.o

This one was taken very long ago XD

I made those flowers myself hehe (:

Maybe i'll make one again soon ^ ^

~Elixian

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Mistake....?

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What did i ever do to you?

Why do you always give me that attitude?

Even during happy moments, you just HATE to include me?

You so reluctantly do things that involve me?

Why is it that you give everyone opportunities, except me?

Is it something i did?

But i don't ever recall myself offending you?

You don't recognize me for what i love, fine. Your choice.

But how is that person better than me?!

I admit, He is better than me. But THAT PERSON?!

HOW. IS. HE. SO. MUCH. BETTER. THAN. ME?!

He can call him an Artist.

Why not me?

What does an Artist do?

Take photos only?

Talk crap?

Draw 2D Rectangles and say i took 5 hours to do it?

Do a cover Art which i have done with the same quality in 10 mins flat?

Is that what an artist is suppose to do that is so good?

or what? Am i not also a GIRL?

What am i then? if i'm not a girl.

You always say, "she gets this kind of opportunities because she's a girl ok!"

Then what am i?

Why don't i get the opportunities she gets?!

I hate it.

I hate that you look down on me.

Last time when HE use to correct you that there was me too

what would you do?

shrug and pretend nothing happened?

Dare to tell everyone that only those 2 are artists. No one else are?

What about those whom i've seen in the class who are really good artists?
They have the creativity.

What about them?

Fine. Maybe in your eyes they aren't really artists.

You don't want to recognize me. Fine.

But can you stop aiming at me?

it's really getting on my nerves and making me really sad.

To think i'm not ANYTHING in your eyes.

And people whom are not as good are fantastic in your eyes?

What is this "Fair" treatment i'm getting?

Doesn't seem like much on the surface.

But think about how it has affected me?

You don't know my past,

you won't know how your attitude is affecting me.

I had enough. seriously.

I'm miserable enough.

stop adding on to it.

I don't need it.