I want to be better

Its just so hard to be ):

Why can't i improve? i'm always average

I'm never better.

I'm suppose to be an artist yet i can't really do well.

I'm so limited.

I can't even draw what i see...

People can improve, yet i can't. I'm just stuck there although i keep trying.

):


I wanna be better... I wish i could be.

if only i could be good at something.

I'm just a so-called "jack-of-all-traits; master of none"

-----------------------------------------

Elixian

Foolish

Yeah, i'm selfish.
I'm attention seeking,
I'm stupid.
I'm ugly.
I'm ugly on the inside too.
I'm just another one of those people you don't want to be with.
I'm always the one you can blame.
Because no one would object.

But why?

Why can't for once.
Just once.
I be happy for once? Truly happy?

Is it too much to ask?
Why is my smiles so surfaced?
Why are my scars burning so deep?

I no longer need thunder to hide my screams,
Rain to hide my tears.
Cause i no longer have to scream.
And no one would see my tears.

That's how truly,
life has been for me.

Why am i always so "emo"?
I ask myself that too.

But cuts are too deep to even heal.
I'm just all over the place.

I always think to myself when i cry:
"If i cried, people would think i'm attention seeking only"
"If i talked, people would just think that i'm going to complain"
"if i made a joke, people would think i'm offensive"
"If i didn't smile, people think i'm angry"
"If i die, no one would know unless you're my family"
"if i didn't have expectations, i wouldn't be hurt"
"if i didn't cry, no one would say anything"
"If i didn't have emotions, i would never be hurt"
"I won't feel hurt"

In the end.

I'm just a stupid girl who always wanted only to celebrate her birthday with her friends.
And everything that goes wrong;
I would be the one to blame.

I blame no one. From the bottom of my heart.
I hate no one.

But, i made everyone dislike/hate/stay far from me.
I can make people like others.
but i can never make people like me.

Yes, it's all about me.
Because to me;
There's only me in my world.

And it would stay like that,
For many years to come.

Because no one has ever broke down that wall.
No one will.
Because, i can't bring myself to let anyone do so.

Yes, i stopped myself from being happy.
Aren't i stupid?

I am.

Face it,
I am.

If only life would just be taken from me and given to someone more deserving.

Why did you have to waste a life on someone such as me?

"You're too nice to be hated"

I'm nice?

I wonder if that's the truth....

I wish for it to end.