I have nothing much to blog about these days :\

got quite a fair bit of things to complete hahas xDD

hmm, basically i've updated the class blog..eh...done my work?

can't believe chinese o lvl is so close D: sigh, have to do my best!!!! as long as i pass i don't wanna retake liao hahas :]

In any case~ i've got some designing to finish then i've got to print out a few designs etc. :D hahas well~ i'm off until i have something to blog about O:!

Btw~! just for those who are curious, i'm aiming for Temasek Poly~ Design school of course. I'm thinking of "Interactive Media Design" Course :]

~Elixian

and you dare call yourself my friend?

You are not worthy anymore. GET. LOST.

~Elixian

did i even have any meaning to you in the first place?

it's funny why..i even bothered.

i finally realised my mistake. i wonder, if i can change...

what, did i mean, to you..?

~Elixian
(it's hard not to hurt myself, even though i've accepted that fact...)

I learned something today.

~Elixian

if that was your answer to me, then i accept it. Thank you for giving me the answer i've been searching for, for so long.

God, please. i really don't wanna wake up to this nightmare anymore. let me go. set me free. let me sleep and never wake up. I feel I'm in so much pain. i can't stand it. i keep crying. i can't stop. i'm being emo. I'm being stupid. I'm thinking so negatively. i can't stop.

i don't see a hand or a string or anything to let me cling on to save my life. kill me. I've caused myself and the people around enough sadness. I'd rather die. let them mourn for a few days and forget. Then the suffering would end.

My friends would tell me go to the church. but i can't. not that i don't want to. is that i can't. I feel like i've been abondened. My friends tell me:

"you're not alone"
"one suffering is better than two."
"time heals wounds"
"you're not"
"huiyee, stop it"
"sorry"
"you're not stupid"
"don't say such things"
"you'll find your own answer"
"don't think too complicated"
"you've got to stop thinking that way"
"you decide on your own life"
"instead of hanging there, why not pull yourself out?"
"it depends on you"
"i'm in no position to say anything"
"maybe its' really time to let go"
"stop hurting yourself"

I've heard these over and over again. I'm sad. I'm depressed. I'm shutting myself away already. Just when i thought i found the person that could save me, that person leaves. Just when i thought "hey, look! i'm all better again" something would definately cause me to break down. something would make me cry.

I've been crying for days. As far as i've recalled, i've cried myself to sleep 4 times. I keep holding back tears cause it's stupid to cry. Life means i have to accept and move on. But i can't.

I'm desperate. I want to find that missing piece from me. The key that will unlock my prison. The light that would pierce through darkness and save me. No one knows the answer to my question:

"Why can't i solve this simple problem?"

and simply i ask myself:

"Why can't i accept change?"

I'm getting nagged at, scolded, being told off for things i feel i want to do. I'm blogging now, all my feelings i pour them out. Those that hurt me said "i read your blog, i'm hurt by what you post. i'm so hurt i can't continue reading" let me tell you. i hate them but i have to love them.

they don't respect my privacy.

i don't think i'd give them my respect either.

~Elixian
(i'm forced to sleep now. i can't even reflect properly. i can't even think without being disturbed. i can't even be me.)


please. i really beg of you. don't let my wake up. just let me go and let me die. please...save me...): i don't wanna cry anymore....

Gosh, today sucks. It really does. ah well. results. as said by the title. Enough said.

Yesterday, i knocked cin yee's hand and made her reed go from the 4th to 1st floor. omg i'm so sorry )): SORRY!!!! SORRY SORRY SORRY >_____________<

CIN YEE!!!! I'M SO SORRY DDD:

sigh ):

Things aren't getting any better. but i'll need to pull thru like how i've done for the past 16 years.

you:
sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry.

i really didn't mean to spam you. i know you won't read it. but at least i know i've said it. i'm so sorry. ): forgive me?

i've been saying sorry so much so i don't even think i can do something right :\ though i'm not really demoralised. I'm simply lost. with no one to guide me at all. Not even a hint.

Today i was talking to a friend. She told me: "since you still love him and are still friends, why don't you try going back?"

I wish i could, i love him. but no matter how i wish for it, i don't think it'll happen. it just doesn't seem like it could happen. not when he doesn't love me back anymore...?

please please please!! save me! i love you i really really do. hell, kill me. i know you don't want me to. sorry ):

I'm sorry I love you. I'm really sorry i do. I'm sorry i caused you pain for doing so. I'm sorry for being sorry. I'm sorry for not being truly sorry. I'm no longer sorry. I'm lost. I feel the pain now. I am sorry i hurt you. I'm sorry for being lost. I'm sorry i'm hurt. I'm sorry for everything.

but.

I thank you for everything so far. i mean it.

I'd cry over and over again, i'd do anything. I really would. I feel so desperate for this. I want it to happen. But it would for me cause i'm not worth it. i'm not worth it. i'm speechless. i feel sad. i feel abandoned. i feel like i'm alone. i feel like an idiot. i feel pathetic. if i could. i would jump off a building, i would stab myself. i would cut myself. i would just kill myself to escape pain in life. i hate myself.

and no one can love me till i learn to love myself. i feel like dying. 16 years of pain. 16 YEARS. i had enough. i know i'm afraid of death. yet i long for it.

i'm such a fool. i'm a complete idiot. a total stupid person. a neto, freak. asshole. F**ker. shitty person.

kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.kill me. kill me. kill me.

JUST KILL ME!!

i dread being alive. i dread me. i dread seeing this horrible face. i dread seeing this body. i dread being me. i dread this lust. i dread this greed. i dread that i didn't regret loving you. i dread the fact i can love. i dread the fact i am the who caused this. i dread that i'm am living to see a tmr. God. If you hear me. Tell me what to do. I'm lost. I'm pathetic. I'm sad. I'm being torn apart by my very self. I don't want to suffer another 16 years. 16 years is enough for me. I'm sorry. even if they love me. I can't come to love myself. I can't come to accept this me. I can't accept change within me. Please, don't let me wake up tmr. Let me die and let me soul be torn apart. I want to be erased forever. I feel like im' a mistake. I don't blame anyone by myself for it. I'm a failure. I can't think straight anymore. I've cried enough. I want to die. I don't want emotions. I don't want anything.

Please please, don't let me wake up tmr. don't let me be a fool. dont let the world see the me i've become. don't let me have this freedom of being alive. i don't deserve it. But, i'll regret dying. I want to dissappear. I want to erase everyone's memory of me. I want to forget who i am. I want to know that Elixian, Helix, Heil, Helian, Syllene, Hui Yee, have never been born. never been made.

I want you back with me, i'm selfish, but i love you ): i can't help it.

~Elixian

Hey people,

yes back again.

I've done up many designs in the past few days, during mid-years as well, which goes to show the amount of effort i put into my studies...heh and other works... i've been doing quite a fair bit of art this month so i'll put them all up here :]

except for the hoodie designs for the class, it's found here.

Do visit and have a look yeah? thanks~!

Theme 1: The Swing

The chair

Pieces not put together yet...

Stacked them up, still waiting for the last piece's glue to dry

Another photo

"Vie dans un cauchemar, living in a nightmare.

Just another shot of it.

**Note: i've finished it, but can't upload the pictures due to connection error between my phone and laptop. Once i can connect it, i'll upload it asap. i'm still waiting to get chains for it though...don't wanna use the strings. Will visit spotlight soon :]

Theme 2: Student Council T-shirt Design

Just the back, and i haven't changed the colour. First they must accept the design, if not i'll be redoing it yet again :] for the don't know how many times liao...hais!

Theme 3: Elixian (photoshop)

Yes, as many of you can see, i have only been playing with a few brushes, cause the fonts i got only fit those few brushes. I have more brushes but it'll take some time to mix and match, or rather master the way to use them.

**Notes: i've done more...just that i don't really like them, scrap them. Going to get a tablet that works with my laptop soon...heh xD

Recent Project:
Yeah, been trying to work on more wooden structure kind of things... bascially, tools i use are just ice-cream sticks, UHU glue and pen knife? hahas :] maybe some extras for some other things ^___^;;

The most recent one i'm trying to make, is a house structure. hahas, hope it'll turn out well. The swing's a little hard to make cause of the triangle shaped joints.

~Elixian

it's depressing really, the midyears are over, it's a happy thing.

But honestly, i scored so terribly...even if studied it didn't seem to help at all. It's over though, i shall not rant on about it. Even if i don't. I know there will surely be that 2 people who will nag, scold, then cry over it. And then it will make me guilty, seriously. I hate them. I wonder why i care sometimes.

Haven't gotten my results. But i predict so. I'm so freaking disappointed. They will surely make it worse. I hate them. i really do.

--today--
hahas thanks laiman for that wonderful~! treat hahas sadly..they don't have the meal i really wanted T___T nyuuuu hahas anyways thanks :]

left my newly bought bottle of deodorant behind...ran back to get it...sigh...just got home from running there and back again.

You know, it really sucks how ______ bastard, think i'm always angry, even when i'm not. It gets on my nerves. That's why i won't answer. Then once i am really angered. Don't blame me, you _____ freaking started it. you said you read this isn't it?

If you did, then you ____________ asshole should know what to do and FREAKING CHANGE. but you didn't. so i don't care. yeah, like REAL it ____ you to read it. you !$#%)!I@)_!()$!#*!_@#%*!*!

you're NOT WORTH my attention. HMPH. ):<

Oh lookie what i did to my internet hahas xDDD pretty cool huh? hahas sorry being lame after being angry...sigh...how stupid



Hmm...might change a skin soon, once i see one i really like hahas xDD

~Elixian

-------------------------------------------
vie dans un cauchemar
-------------------------------------------
le monde est allé,
nos rêves se sont fanés,
la vie a est devenu la mort,
m'enlèvent.

la vie ne signifie plus n'importe quoi,
nous pourrions aussi bien être morts et allés.

Est-ce que,
vous me dit a entendu ces cloches ?
J'étais un imbécile pour vous croire.
Vous m'avez blessé, ainsi…

Adieu,
j'espère que vous êtes heureux avec ceci.

I don't wanna trust you anymore.

Whahahahas...

Exams are OVER le <: hahas...All the papers were horrible...

and i'm getting really annoyed at the changes in my home.. >__>

~Elixian

Today sucked...

>__> couldn't do my math properly..i knew the steps but just can't remember the formula T__T sigh... then my junior just had to make me angry >__> though i can't really say it's totally her fault, i admit la, i was wrong to even be angry...

Lucky for me, geog was easy, finished it right on time :)

eh.. oh yeah~! i've got presents!!!

A Penguin Soft Toy (IT'S FREAKING CUTE!!! XDDDD)
From:
Benjamin
Dennis
Jordon
Natalie
Alvin Laiman
Tammy
Darylene

:DD hahas yay~! (actually i was afraid tammy really wanted to get me a skirt x__x;)

Oh yeah and a nice card too, loved the way it was designed esp the words on the inside

"A Blank picture for a young girl to paint her hopes, dreams and future"

:DDD hahas actually i like it when people actually make an effort to draw for me~! xD Yays

hahas

Then...i gots a Scarf from JOSEPH~! XDD

thanks so much!!!! hahas didn't really think you'd really get me a scarf x__x;; best part is, we haven't even met face to face and you know me so well? xDD lols xDDD

thanks~!

oh yeah...

EXAMS END IN 2 DAY'S TIME!!!
(Thursday)

Hahas :D lookig forward to it! actually i hope i make it out alive T___T

~Elixian

Well, today's my birthday. Officially i'm a year older... hahasXDDD

Why i'm so happy today is because:

People such as:
1) Laiman
2) Joseph
3) Benjamin
4) Xiu yi(I LOVE YOU MAN!!!)
5) Angel (GOSH :DDD)
6) Natalie
7) Alvin Phua
8) Jordon
9) Raudhah
10) Stephanie Loo
11) Sin Yan
12) Shu Yi
13) Yok Pin
14) Nixon
15) Dennis
16) 2nd uncle (WHO SHARES THE SAME SPECIAL DAY AS ME :DDDDDD)
17) Tze Yeng
18) Deena
19) Loong Guat
20) Lim Shi Pin
21) Darylene TEH xDD hehe
22) Francesca

and i think mmissed out some ppl, sorry!!!

wished me happy birthday!!!! i've never have so many people wish me before!!!! omg xDD i'm so happy :DDDD

Hahas~!!!1 today's my best birthday so far!!!! :DDDD

Oh my sister got me ear studs!! :DDd thanks!!!!

Mom and dad got me a card :3 hahas ^___^

It's a holiday today..so ah well xDDD just hoping i'll pass my goeg exam tmr T___T and my math too hais!!!

My birthday wish:
(note note i'm greedy xDD like what Avarice means :3)

1) For everyone i care for and love to do well and be safe and sound forever :)
2) Get into the interactive media design course in temasek poly at the end of olvls? xDD
3) you to be happy, if possible, stay friends forever? so i can like annoy u lols xDDDD

but the greatest wish is:

everyone must be truly happy, and safe and sound!!! forever ^_______^

~Elixian

Hahas, can't believe it's so near my birthday!!! x___x; i'm growing old lols xD

I assure you my birthday for the 10th year will pass by quietly yet again ^___^

But anyways, here's a list of things i wanna do/have :) i'll get them as soon as i can!! hehes xDD

1) Celebrate my birthday with friends
2) Black scraf
3) Kitty ears (don't ask why >_>)
4) Slipknot CDs
5) Something Cooperate CDs/ Jack's Mannequin Cds!!! (it's so rare T__T)
6) PSP with certain games (from daddy~! :D)
7) print that 5 shirts for them :)
8) Personally designed shirts :)
9) Your design lols
10) Those set of chains
11) All my art materials!!!
12) laughter :]

Hahas i have more but i won't be able to get them so i'll just leave them out xDD

Well, so that's that, and on with the day XDD

Basically since the start of the week till now, it's the exams. And i have official screwed up, my english, chinese, social studies and chemistry paper...the only paper i haven't screwed up is my a math paper, which sooner or later i'm bound to screw it up along with my sciences and geography T___T

sigh... ): oh and it's the long week ends!!! XDD lols H1N1 virus is so annoying i hope it goes poof ):< style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">laiman, YOU STILL OWE MY THAT $11 MEAL!!!! :D hahas

Ok, so i went home, showered cause i'm all sticky :\ hehes I still have that love for pets even though i can't own them T___T oh! and daddy got my an ipod~! xDD hehe i have yet to upload all my songs :\

sigh, you know what? my phone hates me up tiill now i can't connect!!! so i can't transfer my songs from my phone to ipod!!! T______________T

))):

I have a list of things to do as well, rather, i want to do:

1) Finish up 5 designs for the 5 of them
2) Finish up Back design for Student Council
3) Finish up class hoodie design and hope for it to be nicer than the one before
4) Start and finish the house :)
5) Buy chains and attach them to the swing which is only lacking that part ^__^ ( i has photos!!!!)
6) Study harder and harder
7) Go out with you!!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD hahas in the hols la...which i hope i has time >__>

Hahas i have so many things to do, yet so little time... hais...

--to you people--
shut up and get out, rather i'll get out, seriously i can't stand you people, why can't you even wait a minute? and was it even my fault to begin with? and what? just because you think i am angry doesn't mean i AM angry and i am NOT shouting at you, i was merely talking like how i always do, and i never requested for you to fix up the connection though i appreciate that you did. Gosh. SHUT UP. LEAVE ME ALONE. and for goodness sake, dont jump to conclusion, and stop being so protective. You'll only make me wanna leave you forever, i will hate you people even more, so GET LOST.
I fall down and all you'll do is laugh. I tell you my problems you'll laugh and say it's not hard to solve at all. I don't want to TRUST you people AT ALL. Sad? cause you've been with me for so long? but i don't care. You've never considered my feelings when you laugh at MY PROBLEMS which you requested for me to share with you!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!

~Elixian

lols one word:

EXAMS.

enough said.

~Elixian

15 MAY NO PAPERRRRR LOLS XD