i really feel pathetic right now. Things that have happened and things i've done, things that's going to happen.

its a sunday. I'm going to reflect on my week. i'm going to see what i can to do make it better.

Monday:
I had band. went for band. all that's on my mind was band, really. i can't seem to remember anything else.

Tuesday:
Tuition. learnt the final chapter of the book i guess. she says she has yet to finish trigo. but, i think she's about 99% done with our chapters, just some touch up and on to revision.

Wednesday:
Band. I really can't remeber anything. My memory's failing me i guess... just a few days to syf i rmb.

Thursday:
i forgot all my books. i spent my whole day in band. i felt fustrated. i felt stressed. and i'm hurt, sick, ill and broken. nothing really helped.

Friday:
i went for band again. went for sl. went for school. missed tuition. she said: "sorry, i went today. got something on tmr." i was so fustrated. so pathetic.

Saturday:
went for band. when i needed to leave. instructor as usual was never happy with me. i'll never got promoted even though the amount of work i do is much more. i shall not compare cause there are always ppl who'll tell me, "your job will nvr be harder or more than mine" or ppl who'll think i'm just a cry baby who'll complain. I'm sick of all this.

I felt dizzy. everything just spins. can't really see much, didn't care didn't bother.

went for tuition. went home. parents had an issue with me again. fell aslp while msging. sorry.

Sunday:
tuition. headache. tired. dead. terrible mood. my body still hurts. not like people will feel that pain. they'll nvr be able to. And if i complain. people will have their own negative comments so why bother?

i've been so tired the whole day. i just wanna die off. i'm stepping down soon. i'm happy, yet sad. i'll miss band. but, for now, i'm still having stupid issues with my parents. i have no idea why. i only request for that 10 mins. they'll sound like i did something wrong. and if i talk back a little more they'll raise their voice at me. and i'll accuse them of scolding then, they'll come annoy me allover again. i hate this. why can't we get along? it's probably me seeing as how my sister can click with them and i'm the only one who can't.

I'm still tired. i'm still sick. infact it's getting worst.

i'm suffering here. maybe i'll shall list out my pains. and let people have a bad impression of me as the one who loves to complain. the irritating one. the -easily-hated one whatever they call me. i don't care. cause i already know all that. so i wish they'll shut the FREAK up, telling me so or thinking so won't change me. neither will it make you happier. so just face it.

I'm tired, i lack sleep, my knee is hurting when i walk. my ankles hurt when i even move them. my head hurts. i'm getting dizzy. it hurts when i breathe. i have a flu. block nose. sore throat. i'm emotionally sad.

I'm sure there are people who are worst off than me.

i've been trying to tell them. "my leg hurts" "so, my leg how?" and their reply was "mm...", "yeah"

what should i do? i tried telling them. but since they don't care anymore. i shall not then.

Right now, i don't even care if i die off. I'm in such a terrible mood and condition. i don't even know what's wrong with me to begin with. what kind of sickness? i have pains everywhere. even the stomach at random moments. my arms.

i really wonder what i should do. people can tell me it's easy. i too know it's easy. but saying isn't as easy.

i'm stressed. frustrated. angry. tired. ill. sick. in pain.

I just want to get better. I just want it to last a little longer. I just want to be me.

seems like its impossible.

~Elixian

[sometimes, i really wished i've never existed. Then many people would be better off. Then, i won't have to be like this. i don't need to experience death. ]

honestly, time really flies! in 4 days SYF is here, on the 31st of march, i'm stepping down as a band member, a clarinetist, an instrument i/c...

it's all so fast, looking at the countdown written on the class white board...
65 days to first olvl paper of the year if i'm not wrong...

I've survived so long in deyi, slowly i've come to like deyi, though there are still points whereby i find that deyi isn't the best place, but it has left me with going 4 years of experience, 4 years of knowledge, 4 years of friendship, 4 years of life, and moreover, these precious 4 years of memories.

I remember how i came to deyi with the mindset that, i as long as i do well, nothing else matters, at the end of the day olvl is the important thing and nothing else.

I went into 108 thinking: "its going to be like last year, i'm going to be alone again with this attitude of mine"

But time passed, now in 409, i think: "i have many friends, a few close/good friends, made a best friend, did pretty well, and i have changed."

Although i know there are still people who don't really like me, but i feel it's ok, cause it's their own thinking, can't force them to like me right? hahas xD

Well, really standing where i am, i have lots to say. I remember how i left yang zheng pri without longing to ever go back. But here i am, i want to go back to deyi, to see my juniors, to see those friends who have treasured me and changed me. Even being classmates helped.

i still can't believe i'm stepping down soon! >___<

In secondary 1:
Band life was damn tough! we were until military band rules as we were the pioneer batch. Then i loved those days where we laughed and joke. I still rmb getting punished on the first day of band practice for not bringing a bottle...i did 40 push ups lols :P
i remember how i dread band, nvr wanted to go...

In secondary 2:
SYF, our very first SYF as Symphonic Band, getting a bronze was a REALLY happy thing, we worked hard for it, we learnt fast i rmb, we had to as we were the pioneer going for SYF (: i was made the "first" trainee nco? xDD haha was librarian till i got transferred to Instrument I/C
rmb i felt so happy then! hahas xD

In secondary 3:
Our dear juniors came back from the military side if i'm not wrong, had juniors, times were fun but really there were bad times too...i got to like band though...

In secondary 4:
I can't believe i'm saying this, but really, i've grown to love band. I can't believe i have to step down soon, though studies are important, the amount of time i spent in band..i complain a lot in band..but complains and unhappiness aside, i think i will miss band. Band is like a great part of my secondary school life? with us going through everything almost everyday when it comes to SYF period...but i think we truly enjoy band. We seniors still care for our juniors.

[i think i'm already writing the report lols xD]

yes, my week would become really empty once i have stepped down. i think...it's going to be empty ):

come 31 st March,
if deyi symphonic band, which we have gone thru all those hard times improved together, get a silver. I will be VERY VERY HAPPY. maybe even reliefed.
if we get a bronze again, i'll feel ok..but a little sad?
if its a COP, i'll cry. I'll realy cry. For every thing we put into that final SYF we sec 4s pioneer put in, i think we at least deserve to touch that silver. or at least a high bronze.

Time really really flies... i feel so sad ):

~Elixian

Hey hey guys, haven't posted for a looooong time...the reason?

well, my blog is literally DEAD, no one really passes by o.o at most i'm sure there's only 2 souls here .__. and it's always the 2 same souls .__. sigh...

well, let's see about my week shall we?

Monday:
elearning! xD hahas the wonders of being able to rest while doing work...lols no band!! hahas!

Tuesday:
Went to school, went for sectional, went for tuition, bought dinner, went home.

Wednesday:
Was freaking early @__@ there at 7:05am? haha went to locker, went for sl reporting, went for lessons, went for recess, went for band..

Band ended Freaking late... guess what? we were all late for alvin's party >> i only stayed for like 20 mins grrrs... if only i could stay a little longer to watch the fun ): sigh...got home like 5 mins late >> at about 8:35pm...this really sucks...

Thursday:
went to school, hold cards for morning assembly...listened to talks...went for lessons, went for remedial...went home...

Friday:
went to school..had a no tie day...and it was so irritating...then went for lessons, went for lunch, went to adeline's house?

haha yeah we all got bored went to adeline's house to talk and talk xD then we went back to school for gala dinner which i so regreted not saying yes to going ): sigh...

got back to school by 4:45pm...waited and wait, ate dinner, got briefing... then went to our positions, stood there from 6pm all the way to 8++pm...then dear us with all the leg pains, headaches and backaches, went back to watch the gala dinner show...

the show was ok (: cope a little food here and there from tze yeng and the rest lols xDD went home at about 10:45pm i think...then eat, bathe, dry hair, sleep...

Saturday:
woke up, went for band, nearly fell asleep in band, as usual, rushed off to tuition, after tuition, followed steph and gang and walked around, bought my deodourant, went home...BREAK~~~~

Sunday:
Woke up, went to temple, prayed for studies and good health for my family and myself, went to eat the SUPER NICE MEAT BALL :DDDDDD (still my favourite meat ball X]), went home, fell aslp for like 15 mins, woke up went for tuition... tuition was interesting when the teacher tells us about the random parts of her life.. lols xD then after tuition, bought a drink, went to dad's car, waited for mom, went home, ate lunch, watch tv, go on the computer, got off, studied a little, on the laptop now.... and so it continues on with my dear boring life.

and i assure you, i won't last during the band camp.. i'll probably die halfway or something...sigh ): i won't whine or complain too much, cause it's proabably going to be the same as the first syf camp i had, and the best part about the camp is!

I am NOT an officier!!! woots = no sentry duty = can sleep thru the night HAHASSSSSSSS

when i was officier for messing, i had to stay up to write reports...sigh.. then do sentry lols xD

i hope the camp won't be too tiring...i still have to last for until the syf is over...sigh.. i agree with the statement that sec 4 students have no life... AT ALL.. )):

now for the upcoming events...such as the march hols...(which i'm sure many ppl are looking forward to >.>)

Well, it is called the March Holidays but.. i don't have much of a holiday? well, most of us don't.. but really, mine is packed )): don't even have a day worth of rest...sigh..

Just for the music lovers (:

~elixian

hahas xD YESH i are in love with something~~~ xDD hehe


haha :D i lovesssssss

~Elixian

It will always be MY fault.

happy?

~Elixian