[ Square 1 ]
Sunday, May 31, 2015 @ 11:53 AM
Circles and Cycles
Feel like ranting a little.
How hard it is to be overseas - and alone.
No, not literally alone, just mentally.
I wonder what's wrong with myself.
Why is it that people gradually abandon me.
My negative thoughts?
What has driven me to this corner?
Maybe i am so selfish.
I realize that only I exist in this world,
people are all stupid.
I'm the only smart one.
Haha, how ironic.
I contradict myself as much as everyone else.
I'm not upset now.
Just trying to write this negativity away so that in real life
I'll be able to wear that mask of "I'm fine! How bout you?"
Why is it when people ask me stuff,
I just tend to rattle on?
People say i talk a lot about myself.
But i always try to ask about others.
I guess i'm always being played.
Being controlled.
A small, stupid, foolish little girl who knows nothing to protect herself.
I lie to say "i'm fine"
yet i know very well, on the inside i'm not.
I'm none at all like what you think I am.
I'm not nice, i'm not happy
i'm not your chirpy person
I'm definitely not the kind of person you'd enjoy being around
I have no stories about others nor adventures
I am as plain as it can get
I only have my thoughts and my actions
Which i screw up pretty bad.
You'll ask - since i know - why don't do i something??
Well, its because i'm lost.
I have no idea at all what to do.
People tell me, i'm negative and selfish (all i say is about myself)
But I've been alone all my life - i'm fortunate to have a BF
So the only other person i talk about passionately is him.
Then you'll tell me - Why do you always talk about him?? TMI. ew.
So, ok. I stop, i don't talk about my BF.
Then who'd you want me to talk about?
My family? I'm not close to them.
My friends? Do i even have any?
I'm as confused as it is. You people have played me for so damn long -
I have no clue what's not being played.
I believe i was just a normal kid - like everyone else.
My Environment probably screwed me up so bad.
All i can remember are the bad things
therefore i turn bad
No one has ever been nice to me - or nice enough that I can change
Yes, over-reliant on people. I get it.
Come on - what's it like to be me?
What's it like to be thrown about in an endless cycle.
Even when my eyes open - there's nothing i can do.
I'm being tossed. Constantly.
When i thought i've settled down - I stand up.
And i get tossed all over again.
This is ridiculous.
Yes, it's about me.
I'm selfish.
I'm stupid.
I'm all the bad things you can name.
Then answer me this:
Aren't you not evil for telling me all these - yet play me again?
Who's the bad guy here?
Is it really me?
Or is it all of you who forced me to this corner.
I struggled and i fought.
To be honest, I'm still fighting and still trying to walk away from this mess.
I refuse to lose to all these nonsense.
But yet - I'm stuck.
No one can help me but myself?
That's bullshit.
I'll help anyone who'd below me.
Who's stuck.
Who needs a listening ear.
Who needs a crying shoulder.
I empathize and i shoulder with you.
Then when you're all ok - you go back to where you were.
Much higher than me.
I'm a stagnant point.
Sorry.
I'm stuck in this circle.
Forever.
Like it or not.
I'm bitter about life, just because unlike everyone
life just decided to give me a big "fuck you"
in my face
so right back at you - life.
Right back at all the people who hates me
who dislike me
who avoid me
right back at YOU
cowards who refuse to help a poor soul out.
I don't sound like it?
Well cause i'm sick of being unhappy all the time.
I'm sick of fking it up.
I'm sick of bouncing around in this circle.
I'm sick of you.
So - FUCK YOU, life.
Fuck you so hard.
Go away and let me walk my OWN life.
Watch me.
I'm going to abandon all of you.
Hate me? Dislike me? Talk bad about me? Ostracize me?
Go ahead.
I'm gonna be as selfish as I want now.
I'm going to be EVERYTHING you called me.
All you cowards.
I'll not go against you.
I'll fuck it up, just like you want me to.
Then i'll show you. This is me.
I am much better than you all.
All you imbeciles. Foolish.
but i only hope for one thing.
That i will never go back to Square 1.
Never go back to this circle.
Ever.
Eliana
